2003-11-15 - 5:26 p.m.
dear diary,
i'm not sure if excessive writing is slowly killing off my brain cells, but my slow wit is probably due more to the fact that i watched about 7 hours of mtv and vh1 until five in the morning.
right now, madonna is burning up for my love. and toby keith likes his bar.
but the height of my wit came out during a clay aiken video when the room was silent and i remarked "he likes butts."
so i've been trying to push aside all these scrambled feelings in my head - i've spent so much time in there the past few days that it's become virtually impossible for me to hold cohesive and coherent conversations with anyone outside of my brain.
i'm pretty sure i haven't sat down to purposefully watch mtv videos since i was about thirteen years old, and i can't quite pinpoint what it is about pop culture today that makes me feel old and depleted.
but an adam green video came on, called jessica. and i wanted to leap into the screen and shake him with mad fits of happiness, because that guy has balls.
balls! that's the thing that's been missing from my life the past week. i've had no semblence of self respect or pride or honor or even scathing social commentary. i've been living in a bubble of safety this week, cautiously making plans for my future.
when the boy toy's band was playing one night, cc deville, the ex-guitarist for the band poison, stumbled into the bar and summoned his security guard to talk to my boy toy. apparently, he wanted to get up stage with them and "jam."
they laughed in his face and told him to fuck off. the story usually just makes me feel sad for a number of reasons on a number of levels, but for some reason it fits right now.
balls. it really is that simple.
thanks adam.