2003-07-31 - 5:32 p.m.
dear diary,
as someone that already suffers from a highly addictive personality, i've unfortunately stumbled across the latest collection in my evergrowing menagerie of vices. i suppose it's nice that it is coming to me as i'm quitting smoking... i like moving from one vice to another in a smooth transition.
this is the object of my latest demise:
it's a .59$ Dilly Bar from Dairy Queen, or as the commercial says, DQ. but i won't conform to that friendly neighborly banter that "DQ" proposes.
but checkmate, evil corporate icecream company. you have totally enslaved me to your butterscotch dilly bars which my friend from california once mistakenly referred to as "deli dingers" and from here on out, the dilly bar will be known as the delidinger.
the same friend from california buys cherry delidingers, which are disgusting not only in their harsh blood-reminiscent color, but the smell of them makes suppressed memories of cherry flavored cough syrup agita in the back of my throat, surface.
he takes the cherry delidinger out of its wrapper like he's undressing a woman. the process is slow and i liken it to foreplay. after the wrapper is peeled away sensuously, he smells the delidinger.
i think that deserves at least a good three minute pause. he smells the delidinger and whispers sweet nothings to it while he starts the licking process from the top to the cherry encrusted dinger nipple.
i asked him to stop eating the delidingers like how a child molester would sit in a van in a playground and jack off violently into a paper cup while muttering something about "young ass" and the way "eight year old pussy smells."
it just occurred to me that the former verbiage might incur some frightening google searches.
mostly it just serves as a reminder that i need to think before i speak.
type, etc.
the only negative thing i can really surmise about the butterscotch delidingers is that they make my two top teeth ache for about ten minutes after the confection has been devoured [or licked and loved sweetly by the californian friend.]
this reminds me of the drive home from work today. i started thinking that after i have surgery next week, i might have cigarettes left over in the pack i have right now. i was thinking it would be wasteful to throw them away, yet smoking the rest of the pack before surgery would probably be fairly detrimental to my health [see: bleeding lungs] but then i thought, hell i didn't pay for this pack. and then i remembered that i did pay for the pack. and then i thought, fuck it, it's only five dollars.
and then i thought about all of the delidingers i could buy with five dollars. and then i figured five dollars would be a small price to pay for [relatively] good health.
in the same way that one thousand dollars in cavities in my two front teeth would be worth a month of butterscotch delidingers.
i was never really good at math, anyway.