2004-03-10 - 12:30 a.m.
dear diary,
have you ever had someone tell you something in jest and it ended up hurting your feelings because it just so happens to be one of those "sore spots" procured from some kind of traumatic event swiveling around your youth?
totally had one of those moments tonight.
you wanna know what it is right?
i'm annoying.
like, despicably fucking annoying.
i'm silly to the point that it's almost an emotional crutch and saves me from ever having to be honest about anything emotionally startling.
like i see the back of my husband's calves and i want to screech and whip them with tree branches until he cries.
wait, maybe i'm more abusive than silly.
tomato, tomahtoe
anyway the point is that every single relationship or friendship i've ever been in has eventually evolved into this argument:
"i hate it when you get like this."
chalk it up to manic moments or whatever, but i'm a practical joker at heart and try as people might, i'm rarely understood.
now how fucking enigmatic am i.
that's right, i'm the girl that cracks bad jokes when you're humping her.
i'm the one that put icy hot in your underpants.
i'm the one that ties rubberbands around the sink hose to get you wet everytime you turn the faucet on.
i'm the one that waits behind corners to scare random strangers.
i'm the one that invents games that mostly involve my hurting someone under the guise of humor. [see: the game scorpions, where my finger is crooked and attacks at will while i yell "tsst! tsst! scorpi-yons! tsst!"]
so anyway, someone i know fairly well stumbled across this all access poke fest into this festering, painful wound and told me i was being annoying.
and it hurt like a motherfucker.
it's always when you think you're pretty well adjusted right? something comes along and your horoscope says "allow things to gestate in your unconscious." well fuck that noise, i'm tired of gestating.
i don't want to be annoying.
do i have to embrace this wholly scary side of me? do i continue to have these weird manic ups and downs? do i throw it away and concentrate on being the upright moral citizen i might be?
incidentally, people that don't like interpol are soulless. and i have no qualms saying that.
bottom line: i suck.