2003-11-06 - 10:09 p.m.
dear diary,
i have so many things floating around in my head right now and i've spent so many hours trying to verbalize them and arrange them and i usually don't use this forum for really exploring anything too deep.
but i'm so disgusted and so ashamed to be an american.
i've felt it for a long time. i've only recently been able to justify it and understand it.
and i don't know if being overtly sensitive or emphatic is going to help me get anywhere but i can't dismiss these overwhelming feelings of heartache.
this isn't something i share openly or even that freely, because the feelings are intense and deep, and never easily understood.
especially as an iowan.
like everything, i was told tonight, i have to sit in the shit to pull myself out to truly understand what shit is.
and if the purpose of learning history is to learn from mistakes what do you think the maximum time amount allowed should be? is 55 years not enough?
is the machine bigger than the person?
i haven't even gotten to the part of whatever this political historical internal journey is where i gather some sense of who i am and what i can do to make a difference.
and i don't know if it's an awakening reality that i can't make a difference, or if it's just my mourning period for the ideal of what i ignorantly and naively thought this country to be.
but something in me cried to put some semblence of ordered emotion onto paper, but i know it isn't enough.
so i wonder, what is enough.
and what makes it worth it.
and what keeps me human.
and why.