2003-10-21 - 1:55 p.m.
dear diary,
next stop frustration station, doot doot. how do you tell your mom that you don't want to get on a plane to see her for a few days?
i can't use the "i can't afford it" bit because she'd pay for the ticket. i can't use the "i don't have any time" because i'm jobless. and for some reason "i really just don't have any desire to see you" doesn't sound as good on the phone as it does in my head.
that's the beef, of course. i'm not harboring some long lost supressed feelings of rage or resentment towards her, and people generally don't understand our relationship. once i moved so far away from her, i started over as an adult. i never grew up with a grandmother in the same state, or any family in the same state for that matter. and now i'm in a state, alone.
but this is the first place i've lived where it feels like it's a good fit.
and seeing her and him and him and her just reminds me of how painful the other half of my life was.
great. therapy breakthrough in a fucking public diary. this makes sense though, because i was so quick to cast off anything that reminded me of a different life. isn't there some expression about how you can't erase the past or something like that?
i thought i was pretty well integrated but apparently i'm not.
growing up sucks mad dick.