2003-08-06 - 7:29 a.m.
dear diary,
i think i'm with it enough to bust out an entry. except that i'm ace bandaged up like a sausage in a display case at the butcher's and i just inched my hand under the bandage on my back because i'm itchy and i came out with a handful of dried blood flecks.
dried blood flakes?! that's my favorite cereal!
they put these nylon stockings on my legs that were white and thigh high. and i guess they're supposed to keep blood circulating while you're under but i looked so hot with them on. especially under my sexy hospital gown and green striped robe. and the way they put those socks with the grippies on the bottom of them over the sexy nylon thigh highs? pure genius.these things took like two people with a total of four arms to put these things on me. they're mad tight and i can only liken the experience to something out of gone with the wind. or getting ready to go dancing at a goth club.
after you get the sexfully stockings, they put on these weird orange and white raps. i don't know how to describe them. they velcroed. they were horrendous. they filled with air every three minutes and they're meant to simulate your leg muscle movement as you're walking. apparently it hurts like fuck whenever i walk.
listen, the important part here is that those suckers let me keep the stockings!
i think they'll go into the stack of hospital gowns and airplane blankets i've been growing.
what is wrong with me that i want to steal everything in a hospital? the worst part is that i don't even do the stealing, i talk whoever is with me into taking something. i've got a whole bag full of those electric round sticky pad things. you know what i mean, where you hook one end of the jumper cables to your car battery and the other end to the metal snaps on these stickers that are probably adhesed to your chest.
those will [never] come in handy.
so the operation was a bust.
oh christ i swear it's the medication they gave me diary. side effects include: puns.
the recovery time was bizarro because the nurses kept yelling at me. i heard one nurse say to another: "her vitals dropped so you have to keep her awake." i think that was my only brush with death. i just remember coming to and being in the most intense amounts of pain. small tits hurt.
so now on my right boob there is some blood leakage, like all the way through the bandage. what's up with that? [that was my seinfeld impression]
6 minutes just passed and i bet you couldn't even tell, could you diary? hydrocodone should be in every kid's stocking every christmas morning. if it was 1998, i'd say: this stuff is the bomb.
what was i talking about?