2004-03-28 - 4:08 a.m.
dear diary,
whatever this weird juncture of my life is, it is replete with ghosts and walking zombies. [oh, and overdoses of billie holiday, not a good plan]
oh, and spiders. i just killed the first one this year. i freaked out a little bit, but i still bit the bullet and did him in with a shoe. maybe he'll be reincarnated as a sheik.
have you ever dreamt about past lives? is that a hinky question? ok how about this; have you ever had a dream that was so vivid and historically astounding and un-analyzable that you were certain it was a portention of a past life? i would like to hear about some experiences.
i had one, and it is the only recurring dream i have ever had.
i'm a teenaged french boy in an orphanage during the revolution and i help lead a rebellion of orphaned boys into the cobblestoned streets where i'm eventually bayonetted to death. i speak french in the dream which is really the disconcerting part, aside from the bizarre clothes i have on. it's a weird one for sure.
except earlier this week, i dreamt that i was a clown in a circus during the 1920's. when i woke up i swore i could smell grease paint and i was a fat, sad, male alcoholic clown. i always thought i was a clown in a past life, if such a thing exists. not for obvious reasons of course.
my mother had a theory that we were both ballerinas in a past life and knew each other. we've always been astoundingly simbiotic. i usually nod and smile and absorb and refrain from sarcastic commentary, but lately i've been wondering.
i saw a "past life psychic" once and she mostly did numerology. she seemed almost angry when she gave me my "fortune" and said i had been someone with incredible amounts of power in a past life, and i severely abused it and was paying retribution in this life to learn how to be a benevolent leader. my immediate thought was, "omg, i was hitler."
thanks for that complex, lady.
the ones i can put my finger on that feel right or at least have relevance to some weird internal feeling i can't really define are the french revolutionary orphan, the alcoholic clown, and a viet nam soldier. don't ask. could just be environmentally bred, but growing up i always wanted to play "army" and kill foreigners. thanks for raising a couple of racists, mom.
anyway whatever the reason, anything mildly related to viet nam makes my stomach burn to this day. maybe it's just sensitivity and compassion. probably more logical. so far the only one i can't ignore or explain away is the french revolutionary kid. that one just creeps the hell out of me. do you remember that scene in defending your life with albert brooks and meryl streep where they get to go into the past lives booths and see their past lives?
please, i'm begging you, invent one.