2004-01-17 - 3:46 p.m.
dear diary,
well i stayed awake until seven am last night [this morning?] and did a lot of thinking about this last entry.
an old friend wrote me an email and reminded me of what is like being her friend, and how hard it was - for years, not just that one inclimental summer.
the friend said something along the lines of "she was never emotionally evolved" and that is the part that has stuck with me.
i refuse to feel bad about it. i refuse to take credit or responsibility for making or breaking her.
and you, asteriks, you're absolutely fucking correct. making the decision to go back to school and set a long term goal DID change me into a different person - the kind of person that can see things through and discover how to be words like tenacious and motivated and hell, strong. i found an enormous wealth of confidence in that, and it propelled me forward in all aspects of my life - emotionally, physically, mentally...
i won't feel bad about it. i just can't. i can't keep flying up or out if i keep turning around to look behind me. that's the part of letting go i never was able to do when i was younger.
letting go and moving on.
that, is exactly what i wish for her.
i feel immensely better and semi-back to normal.